Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to sow seeds of doubt, making their victim question their own memory, perception, or judgment.
The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates small elements of their home environment (including turning down the gaslights) and insists his wife is mistaken or remembering things incorrectly, causing her to question her sanity.
One of the most frequent issues that brings people to couples therapy is, ironically, something that therapy can’t resolve. It’s the wish for their partner to change or to be different than they are.
Let’s be honest; most of us in relationships wish our partner would change in some way. Even if you are not currently in a romantic partnership, you may relate to wanting a past partner to improve themselves for you.
A conflict is starting to simmer between you and your partner. Your voice takes on a sharper edge, each word tinged with irritation. You’re not loving that tone your partner is using either. The tension is becoming a palpable force in the room. You make a point which you feel should put an end to this back and forth, but it doesn’t land the way you had hoped, and now your partner is now staring at you with crossed arms.
Guilt is a heavy feeling that can arise from specific actions you regret or as a persistent, lingering mist that seeps into every aspect of your life. It often feels like a shadow constantly looming over your shoulder, causing you to doubt your choices, your character, and your future.
For many divorced people, guilt becomes a constant companion in life after the end of a marriage. It can arise from worries about the well-being of children, the impact of the divorce on family and friends, the financial challenges that often accompany divorce, and even the emotional experiences of their ex-partner.
While in the middle of a heated argument, it’s hard to see or hear anything but that your partner is totally in the wrong. You must do everything you can to defend your position, stand your ground and get them to admit you’re right! But what happens if we slow down and take a deeper look? You may be shocked to learn that behind every complaint, there is a longing; within every conflict, each person has not just a position but a dream. In couples therapy, understanding the dreams within the conflict, the longing behind the complaints, is crucial for fostering deeper connection, empathy, and resolution between partners.
Defensiveness is lethal to relationships. As a relationship therapist, I am trained to be on the lookout for defensive reactions when I’m working with couples.
Defensiveness escalates conflict, but many people still get trapped in a pattern of reacting defensively in conflict. This is what I call the defensiveness trap. Longitudinal research conducted by the founder of Gottman Couples Therapy, Dr. John Gottman, shows that over time, defensiveness kills relationships.
The journey of committing to a life partner is a beautiful and meaningful one, but it is not without its challenges. For couples looking to ensure a strong and lasting bond, pre-commitment counseling can be an invaluable tool which can help couples build a solid foundation for a lifetime of connection and good communication!
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, be it a new relationship or a long-standing partnership. How couples navigate these conflicts plays a pivotal role in determining the health and longevity of the relationship. Gottman couples therapy is a groundbreaking approach to couples therapy that focuses on effective conflict resolution and is distinguished by its holistic “body-mind” approach to helping couples turn conflict into connection.
In a world that expects us to conform to standards and meet the expectations of others, daring to disappoint can be a revolutionary act of self-discovery and authenticity. The journey of embracing your true self and defying societal, familial and social pressures is not only empowering but also liberating.
