How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting

By Tara Rullo, LCSW

It can be hard to identify the subtle yet profoundly disorienting form of manipulation that is gaslighting. This psychological tactic can make you question your own sanity, memories, or perceptions, and ultimately make you feel completely powerless.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to sow seeds of doubt, making their victim question their own memory, perception, or judgment.
The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates small elements of their home environment (including turning down the gaslights) and insists his wife is mistaken or remembering things incorrectly, causing her to question her sanity.

What are some common forms of gaslighting?

• Denial of Facts: Even when presented with concrete evidence, the gaslighter denies the facts.

• Twisting Information: They may twist or refashion information to suit their narrative.

• Shifting Blame: They often shift blame to others, particularly their victims.

• Trivializing/Invalidating Feelings: Your feelings or concerns might be dismissed as unimportant or exaggerated.

• Using Confusion: The gaslighter loves to set up confusing scenarios to make you doubt your sanity.

Let’s look at an example of gaslighting:

Jan is picking Krista up from work. When she pulls into the parking lot, Jan witnesses Krista chatting with someone in one of the parked cars. Krista gets out of the car when Jan pulls up. When Krista gets into Jan’s car, Jan asks her who she was talking to.

See if you can identify denial of Facts, Twisting Information, Shifting Blame, Trivializing/Invalidating Feelings, or Using Confusion in the following conversation:

Jan: Hey, whose car were you in just now?

Krista: I wasn’t in the car.

Jan: Wait, what?

Krista: I accidentally dropped my phone through the window when I was talking to someone so I opened the door to grab it.Jan: I saw you sitting in the passenger seat. You got out of the car when I pulled up.

Krista: No, I wasn’t in the car. Don’t start getting paranoid please.

Jan: I’m not being paranoid, I’m just wondering who you were talking to?

Krista: I can’t deal with this, no matter what I say you’re just going to get all crazy and jealous for no reason.

Jan: I feel strange that you won’t tell me who you were sitting with. We’ve just started to recover from you getting too close with your colleague from your last job and-

Krista: See, that’s what you always do. We’re not over that because you can’t let it go! It’s not my fault that you are so insecure.

Jan: I’m trying to let it go, but it’s hard when I don’t know what’s going on.

Krista: Well nothing is going on, okay? Can we just go have fun like we planned to, or are you going to keep ruining the day with your insecure jealousy?

Jan: Okay, I’m sorry. I just got worried.

In this scenario, Krista uses several classic gaslighting techniques. She denies the facts which makes Jan question her own perception and blames Jan by suggesting she’s experiencing paranoia. Additionally, she labels her as “crazy and jealous” and accuses her of not letting go of past issues. This deflection trivializes and invalidates Jan’s feelings and creates confusion by twisting information about who is being victimized.

What are the impacts of gaslighting?

Consistent gaslighting can erode the once-sturdy fortress of an individual’s self-worth and confidence. Victims become disoriented in a maze of deception that erodes their ability to discern between reality and illusion. Victims not only question the intentions of others, they also question their own perceptions. This often leads to the victim doubting themselves to the point of over-reliance on the gaslighter, pulling back from friends and family and other affirming voices that might illuminate the path to truth.

When facing this manipulative tactic that can leave you questioning your own reality, it’s crucial to have a set of protective responses at your disposal.

Protective Response #1: Educate Yourself

The first step in countering gaslighting is to recognize it’s happening. Knowledge is power, and learning about the tactics used in gaslighting enables you to identify when they’re being used against you.

If you can identify that you are being manipulated and influenced, you immediately reclaim some of the power that the gaslighting intends to strip from you.

In the example of Jan and Krista, if Jan identifies that Krista is gaslighting her, she can immediately stop trying to get Krista to confirm reality. She will recognize any effort towards this as a waste of her time and energy. Jan can then shift her focus to herself and what she needs in the face of the obvious reality that Krista is lying about being in someone’s car.

Whatever the reason for that lie matters less than Jan acknowledging to herself that Krista is lying.

Protective Response #2: Disengage from the Manipulation

Once you’ve recognized you’re being gaslit, the obvious next step is to disengage. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending a relationship or cutting off contact (though in some cases, that might be necessary), but it does mean stepping back from the specific interactions where gaslighting occurs.

Disengaging could be as simple as changing the subject, or as firm as saying, “I don’t agree with your perspective, and I don’t wish to discuss this further.”

Disengaging will protect your mental and emotional well-being from the harmful effects of gaslighting.

In the case of Jan and Krista, disengagement could look something like this:

Jan: Hey, whose car were you in just now?

Krista: I wasn’t in the car.

Jan: Wait, what?

Krista: I dropped my phone through the window when I was talking to someone so I opened the door to grab it.

Jan: I saw you sitting in the passenger seat. You got out of the car when I pulled up.

Krista: No, I wasn’t in the car. No, I wasn’t in the car. Don’t start getting paranoid please.

Jan: I’m tired of conversations like these. I know what I saw and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Protective Response #3: Get support

Dealing with gaslighting is disorienting, and it’s essential not to do it alone. If you are experiencing gaslighting on any level, please reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide support.

Talking to someone about your experiences is a must to help you maintain perspective. Professional counseling or therapy can also be invaluable in working through the complex emotions and damage caused by gaslighting.

In the case of Jan and Krista, if Jan is able to educate herself on the dangers of gaslighting, begin to disengage, and get support, she will have a chance of setting healthy boundaries or leaving the relationship if it is consistently toxic.

Without support, Jan might find herself trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion. She could become increasingly isolated which would exacerbate feelings of confusion, causing her to lean more heavily on Krista rather than trusting herself.

Remember, no one should have to navigate the treacherous waters of gaslighting alone; reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but a courageous step towards regaining control of one’s life and well-being.

Where does gaslighting occur?

The gaslighting highlighted in this post occurred within an intimate relationship, but gaslighting occurs in various settings, each with its unique dynamics and challenges. Here are some common environments where gaslighting might be found:

• Personal Relationships: This is one of the most common settings for gaslighting. It can occur in romantic partnerships, between family members, or among friends. In these contexts, gaslighting often manifests in subtle ways, through manipulation of memories, emotions, or perceptions, undermining the victim’s confidence and sense of reality.

• Workplace: Gaslighting in the workplace can be particularly insidious. It might involve a supervisor or colleague who repeatedly undermines someone’s work or or denies events that have occurred, thus creating a work environment filled with doubt and insecurity.

• Institutional Settings: Gaslighting can occur within large organizations or institutions, such as schools, religious groups, or governmental bodies. It might manifest as denial of systemic issues, rewriting of policies to suit certain narratives, or consistently invalidating the experiences and concerns of individuals within the institution.

• Healthcare: Unfortunately, gaslighting can sometimes occur in healthcare settings, where professionals may dismiss or trivialize a patient’s symptoms or experiences. This can lead to a patient doubting their own understanding of their health or mental well-being.

• Legal and Criminal Justice Systems: In these systems, individuals may experience gaslighting through the denial or misrepresentation of evidence, victim-blaming, or other tactics that cause them to question their version of events or feel at fault when they are not.

If you find yourself questioning your own sanity or memories due to someone else’s influence, remember that education, disengagement, and seeking support are powerful tools in protecting yourself and reclaiming your truth.

You’re not alone in this experience, and reaching out for help is a courageous and necessary step towards healing and regaining control of your life.