I Want My Partner to Change. Do You?

By Tara Rullo, LCSW

One of the most frequent issues that brings people to couples therapy is, ironically, something that therapy can’t resolve. It’s the wish for their partner to change or to be different than they are.

Let’s be honest; most of us in relationships wish our partner would change in some way. Even if you are not currently in a romantic partnership, you may relate to wanting a past partner to improve themselves for you.

I’ll admit it. I wish my partner would change. Specifically, I wish he were more physically and verbally affectionate. As an example, I was at the store recently and he sent me a text to remind me to get something. It looked like this:

Seriously?

When I get a text like this, I can’t help but roll my eyes. Would an emoji kill the guy? How about an affectionate nickname?

A kissy face?

A “plz”?

But I have to face the facts, it’s not likely to happen.

While I would love to eye gaze, exchange cute texts and snuggle on a daily basis, these kinds of exchanges are not my partner’s way of feeling close. His preferred mode of connecting is talking about our days, sharing ideas about what we’ve read or listened to, and doing activities together.

The reality is we prefer to connect in different ways. While I find this difference frustrating, sometimes more than others, I have to accept that this difference is going to be with us long term.

Have you created a fantasy partner?

I understand how disheartening it is to realize that asking your partner to change may not bring about the transformation you long for. It is understandable to wish that your partner will take your concerns to heart and use them as motivation to transform into the version of themselves that you desire.

You might even fantasize about your partner suddenly becoming a more precise replica of the fantasy partner you’ve dreamed up for yourself. Then, when they don’t, it hurts.

We tell ourselves stories about these fantasy partners such as:

• This is the partner I deserve.
• This is the partner who will finally make me happy.
• This is the kind of partner I need to be fulfilled.

And when we compare our actual partner to the fantasy partner, our actual partner comes up short every time.

If you’re holding onto an idealized image of a perfect partner, try to release this fantasy. Clinging to an unattainable ideal will not lead to a genuine and fulfilling relationship.

Can you love your partner as they are?

Relationship satisfaction improves when you reorient to two basic aspects of reality:
• You cannot make someone change
• Your fantasy partner does not exist

Accepting reality brings further good news: if you can’t transform your partner into an idealized fantasy, then you no longer have to convince, beg, nag, explain, re-explain, plead, force, nudge, yell, cry, remind or draw diagrams to get your partner to change.

In a previous relationship, I once made a detailed spreadsheet in order to convince my partner of our unequal distribution of labor, essentially taking on more labor in hopes of having him finally understand that I was overburdened.

It would have been a much more efficient use of my energy to ponder the reality that no matter how I asked, my partner was not prepared to hold up his end of our shared life.

It’s not your job to improve another person to suit your needs. If you tell your partner what you need, and they can’t fulfill that need, it is your job to face that reality. This might lead to recognizing a deal-breaker situation, as I experienced with my ex-partner who failed to contribute equally.

However, more often, it involves embracing and appreciating your partner for their positive qualities and the unique offerings they do bring to the relationship.

Either way, acceptance is freedom.

When acceptance dawns on a dissatisfied partner in couples therapy, I can often see a weight being lifted from that person’s shoulders. Their relief comes from realizing that they no longer have to carry the burden of trying to change their partner. Acceptance allows them to focus on nurturing the relationship as it is, rather than how they wish it could be.

Acceptance also helps us set realistic expectations of our partners, which generally leads to a more satisfying and predictable experience.

Are you ready to love your partner as they are today?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess your readiness to love your partner as they are today:

• Are you comparing your partner to a fantasy partner?
• Are you ready to say goodbye to that fantasy and accept who your partner is today?
• Can you let go of any expectations based on fantasy and instead set realistic expectations of your partner?
• Can you make a realistic assessment of what you appreciate about your partner as they are right now?

In my case, when I accept my partner as he is, my focus widens. Rather than seeing him through a narrow critical lens as someone who is lacking in the affection department, I immediately begin to remember all of the reasons I choose to be in a relationship with him.

He is a great listener and there is no one I would rather share the details of my life with. I trust his advice. He always has time for me if I need to talk or want help thinking through a decision.

He carries at least his fair share of our life tasks including some tasks that I am thrilled never to have to do (such as planning travel and vacations).

He is a wonderful parent and our parenting philosophies are aligned which makes parenting together a true joy.

He accepts me as I am.

No special orders

Think of entering into a relationship like placing an order at a restaurant that does not allow substitutions or special orders. When you decide on an item, it comes out exactly as listed on the menu.

No, you can’t hold the cheese.

Nope, no extra sauce.

No, you’re not getting your dressing on the side.

Change is possible

With all this talk of acceptance and facing reality, you may have gotten the idea that I don’t think anyone will change. This is not the case!

As a therapist, my work is rooted in the conviction that there is always potential for growth and change. Yet, genuine transformation thrives in an environment of acceptance and safety. That’s right, counterintuitively, by accepting what is, you are more likely to end up with what you initially hoped for. This paradox lies at the heart of therapeutic couples work: through experiencing acceptance, partners often naturally evolve towards the very changes their partner desires.

I’ve seen it in the therapy room, and on my own phone. Just recently I got the following text from my partner. It might not be a big deal to some people, but to me it was a dream come true: